Ode To A Dead Parrot

(To all the other Monty Python fans out there! I wrote this cra...I mean poem, in about five minutes. Enjoy!)

I returned me bird to the ole pet store
For obviously he was no more.
Quietly I snuck him in
And tried to stuff him in the bin
When HO! I saw before me eyes
The biggest and the worst surprise -
The clerk - twat said m...e bird was dozin' !
Then he started with his bloody posin'
Talkin' rot: "'He's not dead, he's resting!"
I straight away began to testing;
Thumpin' the parrot against the desk!
Yelling in his ear "PRETTY POLLY!" - was he at rest?
I think he's dead! He's nailed to his perch!
Then began the slimy search
For another reason to keep me there:
"He's pinin' for the fjords!" clerk said.
I replied "He's pushing up daisies - he's DEAD!"
"Beautiful plumage, the Norwegian Blue!"
But what good is that now his time is through?
"I've got a nice slug..." he finally replied.
But everything I buy from this store has....died.
*sniffs*

© Billie Mann 2006

Link to video of this classic skit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vuW6tQ0218

Of course it's about sex!

My husband recently started to write another song for his new band.

We're sitting on our screened-in porch, he's playing my Big Baby Taylor guitar, and he is making up a song off the top of his head, which is how he usually works best. I am not allowed to tell all the lyrics since he doesn't have it done yet but I will say that it has lines like "I love my woman/she's small and mean" and "she's a love machine/she wails...she screams..." etc.

So he stops and asks me "What do you think?"

Me: "Everyone's going to think that song's about me."

Him: "Sweetie. No they're not! And it's not about you. Why would anyone think it's about you?"

BTW, he only calls me "sweetie" when he's correcting me. I tell him this and he responds "Would you rather that I call you 'dumbass'?" I say yes, I would rather be called "dumbass" than have him use a term of endearment to soften the blow of his correcting me.

~ The conversation continues ~

Me: "Well people are going to think it's about me! I'm your wife. At least it's flattering, except for the 'mean' part, even if it's untrue."

Him: "It's not about you."

Me: "Well, who is it about, then?

Him: (looking exasperated with me; I'm on my 4th beer about now, so I am being extra-mouthy and annoying, I am sure)

"Swee - (he cuts himself off from finishing the word) - it's not about anyone! I just made it up. Songwriters often just make stuff up, it's not always taken from their lives. So do you like the song or not?"

Me: (leering) "Yeah I like it! It's dirrrrrrrrty."

Him: "How is it dirty?"

Me: "Well, you're singing about sex!"

Him: "It's not necessarily about sex."

Me: "What? Of course it is! 'She's a love machine? She wails, she screams'? How is that not about sex?

Him: "It could be about something else."

Me: "Like what? What else? 'Wailing and screaming'? Is she wailing and screaming because you're beating her up? That wouldn't be right! Of course it's about sex!"

And yes I like the song.

It'll be great when his new song about sex is finished.